Past or otherwise, I cannot bear the thought of you with another girl. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I was part of your past. Now I'm currently your present. But as for that interim between, I'd rather be oblivious to. A part of me wants to know everything, know every damn horrible detail. The other, would rather stick my fingers in my ears & yell 'lalalaaaalaaaa' like a child. I want to know everything about you. &Yet I'd rather know nothing. It still hurts what could have been.

Say the words I want to hear.

It's as if I like torturing myself. Another sleepless night, plagued by my own thought process. You two have more in common. I can't cook. I can't sing. I'm not musically inclined in the slightest. I am clueless when it comes to basketball or any sport for that matter. So why are you with me ? I don't understand. You're my boyfriend now, so why am I not in eternal bliss. I feel sick to my stomach over all this. Sometimes I can't bear to look at you. It's because I doubt myself. I'm going to wake up one day realizing this was all a dream. I'm waiting. I've never been happier than I am with him right now, but it's ironic how these insecurities outweigh it all so heavily.

Old habits die hard. Ever since my first long term relationship, I compare myself to their exes. Fuck this shit. &fuck the cold.

Walls coming down.

The sweetest thing I ever known,
Was like a kiss on the collarbone
Soft caress of happiness
The way you walk, your style of dress.

I wish I didn't get so weak.
Ooh baby, just to hear you speak.

My sleeping patterns are absolutely nonexistent. I think Vegas has taught me to go long periods of time with little sleep. &Thus, my waking up at the asscrack of dawn to get home & get ready for work is seemingly effortless. We'll see how long until I burn out?


PS. He makes it a point to call me beautiful everyday.

We all have our own demons, vices, skeletons in the closet, baggage. I hope you're ready for mine.

.. Or not =P

I always associate September with new beginnings. (Even if I graduated two years ago.) Trying this blogging thing again. Coming back from a ten day vacation put a multitude of things into perspective. One being the fact that I had become complacent in the past couple months.

My anxiety is through the roof. I just might throw up on my client.

Where the fcuk did you come from!?

I need an outlet. Maybe this will work.