What if I've tainted it all?

Tonight's events have invited insomnia to take a firm hold once again. Even in the pitch black of my room, save the faint light of the smoke alarm, my mind has a way of fcuking with me in which no other entity in this world can. It really is remarkable. The tangents, what-if's and scenarios it can create in mere seconds. What does it all boil down to? Jealousy. I won't deny it. I'm jealous. And who's to blame? Myself, yes. But that damn bitch called 'the past' which can rear it's ugly head at the worst times. The past which, although long gone, the residuals of those relationships have a way of leaving their fingerprints on your psyche.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous because this has happened once before with similar details, far worse revelations, all wrapped up into a painful demise. I'm jealous because in my mind, she is everything I'm not & will never be. She is that modelesque basketball football loving snowboarding pro and culinary chef. Did I mention she also has the rack of a Victoria Secret model? I'm jealous because for a brief moment in time, I wasn't your everything. I'm jealous because for once, you jumped off that pedestal I put you on and joined every other guy before you. I'm jealous because of my deep rooted insecurity. I'm jealous because I could lose you when it already took five years to get you back. &I just don't have the energy to take the journey again. I'm jealous because I have everything to lose & you have everything to gain. 

Sick & tired doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. 

One of many resolutions: Blog more.

Why? To read my mindless musings at a later date. Ha.

2013. What is it about a new year that makes people think that it will bring drastic change by the stroke of midnight? Don't get me wrong, I buy into all that crap as much as the next douche. But what makes us truly believe it? The fact that as we countdown from ten and the last digit of the year rises by one, we're automatically all the more ambitious and determined.

During the wee hours of the morning, I typed up a rough draft of resolutions & predictions for the upcoming year that will later be handwritten & sealed. And somehow I managed to guilt the boyfriend into doing it as well. So that we can open it New Year's Eve of 2014.

Remind me again of what I don't have, of what I don't possess. Please. Go ahead. I'll laugh & nod in agreeance at your recent revelation. Dig deeper. Thanks. 

Seven months in & I still doubt myself. My insecurities are going to drive you away sooner or later.

Past or otherwise, I cannot bear the thought of you with another girl. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I was part of your past. Now I'm currently your present. But as for that interim between, I'd rather be oblivious to. A part of me wants to know everything, know every damn horrible detail. The other, would rather stick my fingers in my ears & yell 'lalalaaaalaaaa' like a child. I want to know everything about you. &Yet I'd rather know nothing. It still hurts what could have been.

Say the words I want to hear.

It's as if I like torturing myself. Another sleepless night, plagued by my own thought process. You two have more in common. I can't cook. I can't sing. I'm not musically inclined in the slightest. I am clueless when it comes to basketball or any sport for that matter. So why are you with me ? I don't understand. You're my boyfriend now, so why am I not in eternal bliss. I feel sick to my stomach over all this. Sometimes I can't bear to look at you. It's because I doubt myself. I'm going to wake up one day realizing this was all a dream. I'm waiting. I've never been happier than I am with him right now, but it's ironic how these insecurities outweigh it all so heavily.

Old habits die hard. Ever since my first long term relationship, I compare myself to their exes. Fuck this shit. &fuck the cold.