Tonight's events have invited insomnia to take a firm hold once again. Even in the pitch black of my room, save the faint light of the smoke alarm, my mind has a way of fcuking with me in which no other entity in this world can. It really is remarkable. The tangents, what-if's and scenarios it can create in mere seconds. What does it all boil down to? Jealousy. I won't deny it. I'm jealous. And who's to blame? Myself, yes. But that damn bitch called 'the past' which can rear it's ugly head at the worst times. The past which, although long gone, the residuals of those relationships have a way of leaving their fingerprints on your psyche.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous because this has happened once before with similar details, far worse revelations, all wrapped up into a painful demise. I'm jealous because in my mind, she is everything I'm not & will never be. She is that modelesque basketball football loving snowboarding pro and culinary chef. Did I mention she also has the rack of a Victoria Secret model? I'm jealous because for a brief moment in time, I wasn't your everything. I'm jealous because for once, you jumped off that pedestal I put you on and joined every other guy before you. I'm jealous because of my deep rooted insecurity. I'm jealous because I could lose you when it already took five years to get you back. &I just don't have the energy to take the journey again. I'm jealous because I have everything to lose & you have everything to gain.